#NOT in my defense i may have used this as an excuse to fully re-read my favorite parts so far >>

[dandelion-wings]

also I wrote it ages ago but I do still really love the contrast between Jean's first appearance at the start of Chapter Two (before they get into really serious matters):

The powdered tea that one of them always brews and passes out to the group, the last cup always to her so that she can see them sip theirs first, makes this more skin-crawling, not less. Monsters shouldn't indulge in something so mundane. And yet it's not the false hospitality she'd thought it was at first, not only done to set her at ease. Some of them seem to take true pleasure in this simple human gesture. As always, they drink before they speak. The Herald who brews it, the one who calls herself Persephone and always takes human form to do so, insists that it's only civilized.

Where, however freaked out she is, they're essentially having a tea party, and Kaeya's first appearance:

Gradually the coming-and-going hilichurls begin to bring things in. A few crates and barrels that they stack in a corner near the door; standing torches that they set around the room, lighting with their own burning clubs, so that they're no longer all standing in the dim glow of one club and the samachurl's glowing staff. An old, rusting metal tub full of water that takes four of them to carry. A wooden cage of the sort that they keep captives and food in, before the slaughter. That's nice. Kaeya would hate to spend the *entire* rest of his life on this slab.

Where Kaeya has already done the calculations of circumstances + location + enemy count + position and gone, oh, okay, I'm going to die here. Understood.

[thejustmaiden]

Heyo, fellow Inuyasha fans! Happy Friday! This particular blog will serve as a collection of random thoughts I’ve been mulling over lately. Hope you’ll consider giving it a read. By the way, it’ll specifically pertain to the Sessrin ship. If that’s not something that is of interest to you, then no need to read any further. Whatever happens, I wanted to get this out before the sequel. Alrighty, let’s go! 

I’m not sure many of us realize just how much fiction sparks public dialogue and shapes culture. There have been countless studies and research done to prove it, therefore this really isn’t up for debate. What the real question here should be is have we taken the time to fully contemplate and assess just how much fictional experiences are able to change or influence our perspective on real, everyday life? The visual arts are just one of many evolutionary adaptations that serve to give us more insight into one another’s mind. If our outlook on fiction contrasts with said insight, then perhaps some re-evaluating is in order.  

Powerful works of literature such as 1984 and the beloved Harry Potter series are just two examples. George Orwell’s book contributed strongly to how readers viewed government and politics during that time, and to this day it’s a book that resonates with many. As much as Harry Potter is cherished all across the world, there are religious and academic institutions that condemn it or have even gone so far as to ban it. I may not agree with the extreme measures taken, but it’s fascinating nonetheless to witness the extent to which fiction can move and mobilize people for a cause.

The takeaway is that indicating fiction doesn’t have the power to create change in our everyday lives is misleading to say the least. So how exactly then can fictional stories that are, after all, completely made up affect society in such profound ways? It all lies in the power of the psychology of fiction. According to cognitive psychologist and novelist, Keith Oatley, who’s been researching the psychological effects of fiction for over a decade, he states that engaging with stories about other people can improve empathy and theory of mind. When we identify with these characters’ struggles, we begin to share their frustration for societal problems that plague them. These types of stories tap into our emotions more so than- believe it or not- nonfiction, and thus their effects inspire us and even have the ability to alter our worldviews. 

I’ll be returning to that specific topic a bit later, but moving on for now!

It’s safe to say that I speak on behalf of the majority of antis. That being said, I first want to add that we are aware that sessrin shippers claim to agree that there was nothing inherently romantic that took place between Rin and Sesshomaru during their travels together. The thing is we have trouble believing you guys when you time and time again provide contradictory statements to defend your stance.

Voicing things like, “all signs point to Rin” and “it’s been foreshadowed” sends the exact opposite message of what you supposedly stand for and, if anything, confirms that you’ve had romance on your mind long before it would’ve been acceptable to come out with openly. You can’t just go along with what we say when it’s convenient to your argument and then back it up later with “who else but Rin.” How can the relationship you’re imagining be so obvious if they didn’t hint at it for the whole duration of the original series like we agreed upon? Elaborate on how we could’ve possibly come to such wildly different conclusions when we started AND left off with the same views for and throughout the series. 

On top of that, making the excuse that we don’t speak for adult!Rin and that she has the right to make her own decisions once she’s old enough is a weak defense. Firstly, because we haven’t even met her. Secondly, because it’s unfair of you to assert that you know what’s best for Rin and then say we’re not allowed to just because it doesn’t align with your beliefs. I get that you feel protective over her character, but do recall that this adult version of her none of us have actually met yet. We have no idea what kind of woman she’s become, what her dreams or aspirations may be, and whether she’s married or even wants to be. I’m not against the idea of her falling in love, I just don’t think it’ll be with Sesshomaru. I guess I’m also a fan of the idea of her following in Kaede’s footsteps, because if anyone can grow up to be an independent, trusted, and wise leader of the community like her it’s Rin.

To make matters worse, way too many of you continue to celebrate the drama cd and profess that it was sweet that Sesshomaru basically promised he’d wait for Rin all while somehow ignoring the glaring grooming implications. Why do you only see what you want to see and fail to acknowledge that actual child grooming scenarios do in fact play out like this in real life? A high percentage of people who have been victims of grooming can attest to this. If Sessrin does go canon, all the sequel succeeded in doing to avoid the direct correlation with grooming was skip over the more questionable and dodgy portions of it. Take out the time jump, however, and you no longer have a loophole to cover up the scary unmistakable truth, which is that Sessrin and grooming are essentially one in the same.

No one case is identical to another so please don’t come to me with your “but how is it grooming if Sesshomaru didn’t manipulate Rin” refutes. Nobody knows what the hell went on during those years between The Final Act and this upcoming sequel. Based on everything exhibited so far- that is if we decide to recognize the drama cd like so many of you choose to do- Sessrin’s dynamic is eerily reminiscent of real life child grooming. Why else do you think a lot of us fans have a huge problem with it? It’s triggering for a reason. 

Let’s be honest, Sesshomaru’s supposed love confession could’ve just been the first of many gestures like it. Who really knows, right? According to you shippers, a major shift in their relationship took place sometime during this critical period none of us got to watch unfold. I’m sure you all have explored the various ways this would’ve gone down in fan fiction and through other creative means of expression. Not to spoil the fun, but all I can’t help but wonder about is just how many of those supposed “cute moments” would’ve been as creepy and cringey as that proposal. Hundreds of thousands (possibly millions?!) of fans would undoubtedly agree with me, too. It seems to me this ain’t due to a mere difference of opinion. Taste is one thing, ethics a whole other. 

By the way, in case you didn’t know, groomers don’t necessarily need to plan out every single move in order for their behavior to constitute as grooming. What we should be paying attention to instead is the fact that Sesshomaru made a conscious decision to act on his own selfish desire for a young girl who couldn’t have possibly known in that moment the magnitude of what he was asking of her. Why is it that a vulnerable Rin is put in a position that forces her to be the one responsible for making such a big, life-changing decision for the both of them? Yes, Sesshomaru gave her the choice and, yes, she doesn’t have to make it till later, but why on Earth is he coming to her with this well before a child her age is ready and mature enough to handle it? Even if his intentions are good (broadly speaking of course), his what you shippers probably call “innocent acts” are incidentally coercing Rin into reciprocating his feelings. Whether he planned for that or not, he’s at fault. Period. 

That’s one way the power imbalance works. A child wants nothing more than to please the adult they look up to and adore, because they’re impressionable like that. Maybe Rin processes this like she’ll want whatever he wants, so that’s what she trains herself to believe- either right then and there or over time. Plus, if you really think about it, why wouldn’t she trust him if in her eyes he’s been nothing but good to her and that’s all she’s ever really known? (Psst! Charm is integral to the manipulative nature of grooming so it’s deceiving AKA manipulation can come off as praise or flattery.) Bottom line is that Rin is too young to have to think about this kind of deep stuff at all, and Sesshomaru shouldn’t have taken advantage of the power he had/has over her to influence a decision she was by no means prepared to hear about much less decide on. Your headcanons seem to imply that she’ll eventually have to choose though, and Idk about you but I rather not push my own fantasy agenda onto a underage girl regardless of how much I want it. Idc if she’s fictional, it wouldn’t feel right so why would I want to see that? My principals couldn’t ever allow for it.   

Even if it wasn’t an official proposal, per se, it’s still disturbing to me that so many of you find joy in the thought of a grown adult male essentially waiting for a young girl HE KNEW to become old enough before pursuing her. I know this drama cd ain’t technically canon, y'all, but since this is literally the only source we have that may foreshadow a potential Sessrin to come, and it’s referenced a lot, I figured it still should be called out for exactly what it is- Grooming: 101!!!!

Just as I demonstrated above, fiction has the ability to make even the most inappropriate and uncomfortable situations be viewed in a favorable light when you put the right spin on it. *cough* Lolicon culture, need I say more? *cough* Despite what you may believe, the strategies fiction utilizes to explain themes/concepts can genuinely lead to how we perceive them, and ultimately to how we come to make sense of a similar event presented to us in real life. Especially if we have no prior experience with any of it and have nothing to compare something to, these perceptions can be dangerous yet still persuasive to certain fans- young ones in particular. The more narrative consistency across stories and different mediums, the more likely they’ll influence social beliefs. Minors don’t possess the same capacity as adults to think critically about the content they consume, and if we aren’t more careful about what we put out there then all of us will continue to face serious repercussions.

This is precisely why it’s crucial we persist in our fight against the rabid phenomenon of glorifying young girls in every sexual context imaginable. Just look at what something as seemingly harmless as fiction has the power to do. The scope of fiction is broad and far-reaching, and it’s about time we stop denying that fact and actually do something about it if we have the means to.

The truth of the matter is that we’re in desperate need of proper education and training programs on this issue in our communities. Families need to ensure their children have access to the necessary resources, but it isn’t just on them. ALL of us gotta do our part and ALL of us should be up for the task. It takes a village, right? If we do not properly discuss and address child sexual abuse (CSA) with our children and in public forums, including the internet, then we’re ultimately accepting incidents of CSA should they arise. Consequently, that also translates to indirectly accepting that the predators among us stay untreated and/or unpunished. That’s how the generational and societal aspect of the abuse can continue, and we must do everything in our power to secure our children’s future. Yes, even when it comes to fiction.

If you still somehow don’t think the Sessrin pairing has anything to do with grooming, allow me to break this down for you one more time:

1. If some of your fellow sessrin shippers say that a relationship like this in real life is harmful, then that should be pretty telling in and of itself.

2. Piggybacking off #1: if your only defense to that is “well it’s just fiction,” then you should ask yourself why you can’t ever come up with better reasons. Same goes for history and culture, so please stop using those to justify this relationship. None of the above can or should be applied since it’s already been established that fiction pervades our lives and vice versa.

3. If fellow shippers who are victims of grooming say they are drawn to Sessrin because it allows them in a way to “take back control” from their abuser so that they can better cope with past traumas, then they’re inadvertently admitting that Sessrin does possess qualities associated with the past child sexual abuse they underwent. AKA Sessrin is relatable for its abusive dynamic.

I have to ask by the way, but why do you get so offended when we don’t support your ship anyway? Is it because we interpret it to be controversial and you don’t like your ship getting a bad rap? Is it because it would be insulting to admit that antis actually have a point in it being problematic and you rather double down instead? Or is it because you’re projecting yourself onto Rin and prefer to not go into detail about why that is? Maybe it’s too personal, or maybe it’s because deep down you’re ashamed. Of course that doesn’t mean you’re bad people, but suppressing these kind of negative emotions can’t be healthy for anyone. A little awareness and self-reflection on your part can benefit not just you but all of us in the long run. Cognitive dissonance can suck, but it’s also part of being human. 

I recently came across a comment I’d like to share with you. Unfortunately, this is not the first time nor will it be the last I see the likes of it. Anyway, in it a fan stated how embarrassing it must be being an Anti in this fandom when an episode like “Forever with Lord Sesshomaru” exists. Guys, this shipper and all those who liked their post are showing their true colors. Perpetuating and/or anticipating these sexualized images of young girls is a grave issue in both our society and media alike. I think we can all agree on that, or at least I hope so. It’s remarks like these that prove we still got a long way to go in terms of progress, and if we ever hope to effectively reverse some of our backwards way of thinking. So serious question for ya in regard to this: Why is it too much to ask that grooming be portrayed for what it is? Grooming. To clarify, grooming is bad and needs to be painted in a bad light. It’s as simple as that. If only we could all acknowledge it for what it is, we wouldn’t be in this predicament. 

Historical accuracy and cultural differences aside, it appears the crux of the matter between Sessrin shippers and Antis is our acceptance and/or denial of fiction’s influence on real life. If we can’t agree on this, then we’ll never agree on anything else. As mentioned earlier, there is more than enough evidence to support the idea that fiction impacts our lives in extraordinary ways. I, for one, believe in the transformative power of stories. I think they do more for us than many of us give them credit for and/or are inclined to admit. 

This is partially why I believe that the majority of sessrin folk are missing the point most of the time. All they do is focus on insignificant and irrelevant information that accomplishes nothing but more gaslighting and strawmanning. Whether it be an intentional or unconscious decision, whatever we argue goes right over their head. All they do is throw around deflections and antagonizing remarks that serve no real purpose other than to make Antis out to be the unreasonable and irrational ones. Making connections between our own lives and our stories is a completely natural and normal occurrence. If those particular shippers insist on denying just how interconnected real life and fiction both are, what that tells me is they’re either out of touch with reality or deliberately choose to be.

Just to be clear, I am of the opinion that most if not all antis aren’t real life predators. If they say they aren’t, I honestly take their word for it. Speaking to Sessrin shipper directly: We know it’s not Sesshomaru you want to be but Rin. No, we’re not calling you pedophiles or groomers. None of us think you are using a fictional ship to attract underage fans to be the Rin in your life or anything of the sort. We are well aware that many of you are self-inserting yourself as Rin, so please don’t feel the need to tell us yourself because that would be stating the obvious.

I learned from a few of you since this sequel was announced that the Sessrin relationship isn’t just a ship but an opportunity for you to confront the person who used and abused you. So there’s two issues with this I’d like to raise. (Sorry if I’m repeating myself, but it’s urgent I stress this again!) This is what I have to say:

If fiction does not affect real life or have the ability to normalize anything as you claim to believe, then why does “fixing” what happened to you via your preferred choice of coping associated with these two characters in the first place? Why bring your past abuse into this at all if at the end of the day it’s “just fiction” and nothing more to you but a source of entertainment?

By confessing that you use Sessrin to cope with your past trauma, you therein reveal that Sessrin does in fact resemble an adult-child relationship with a grooming dynamic. So why then would you want other fans to be exposed to a pairing that brings to mind the very abuse you endured? We’re supposed to stop this toxic cycle- NOT find more ways to manifest and relive it, much less subject other fans to it. 

You may think that Sessrin doesn’t fit the textbook definition of what child grooming is, but that’s not to say it doesn’t embody it or that it doesn’t at the very least have traces of it that stand out. 

“Antis are miserable people who don’t know how to enjoy a good story. It’s just fiction, stop ruining it for other fans!”

Well, no, it’s not just fiction or just a story. Some of you evidently went and proved that yourself, and without my help, by revealing how you relate Sessrin to your own life and apply it to cope with past abuse. Past abuse or not, as far as I can tell we’re all equally invested in these characters. That speaks volumes and just goes to show that fiction touches our lives in long-lasting ways.

I have something I want to say concerning some of who believe that it’s inconsiderate of antis who have been victims of grooming or another form of child abuse to tell other victims who ship Sessrin how they should cope with their trauma. Now as much as I respect the various means victims discover to deal with their painful pasts, there’s always an appropriate time and a place for these things to occur. We must seek out better ways to safely cope with the abuse we lived through (if any) without running the risk of hurting and endangering others. 

There are plenty of fans in other fandoms who don’t try to defend their ships going canon, because they’re able to recognize an unhealthy or toxic pairing when they see one and won’t try to justify it. A Sessrin romance simply does not belong on a show geared towards teens, and I really don’t need to go into detail about why we shouldn’t support it, at least canon-wise. Shipping Sessrin is your right, but if you don’t keep it to yourself and your corner of the fandom then you really shouldn’t be surprised by the opposition. All we ask is you respect that their specific dynamic falls under the category of child grooming (or very close) and should be treated as such in public. The world of fiction may be wider than the world we live in, but that doesn’t always mean “anything goes.” In the creative spaces our minds occupy we must still adhere to the same fundamental and moral guidelines we live by in life. There’s nothing wrong with exploring new terrains and experimenting with ideas, but we must also remember that our stories are all about communicating and connecting with people. So let’s please be more mindful of the sort of messages they’re sending. 

Besides, this isn’t only about you and what makes you feel safe, it’s about all of us. I don’t know how much more I can stress that really. How can thoughts endanger our children, you ask? Well, it’s not like we’re suggesting that our thoughts can jump out of our tvs, materialize themselves, and place kids under mind control. The forces behind fiction are a lot more complex and nuanced than a “monkey see, monkey do” approach, so don’t waste any more time trying to  describe that to us. You’re taking this argument in the wrong direction. 

Take the “violent video games breed killers” theory. I’m afraid you’re misconstruing what we’re saying and then taking it quite too literally. Please stop twisting our words, because nobody on our side is saying that just because you play violent video games that you’ll become a violent person. The Sessrin equivalent of that would be if you ship them then you must be a pedophile or turning into one. *sigh* I know you guys are feeling attacked, but I’m afraid your defensive nature is keeping you from thinking straight. Clearly, there are always exceptions (I’d recommend reading up on the Slender Man case), but Antis aren’t saying you’re one of them.

You see, it’s not so much about the content as it is the notion of the content. Kids and teens who are playing these video games have been informed that killing is wrong, because they grew up learning that early on like the rest of us. No sane person would advocate for violence and nonsensical killing in real life. Since they fully understand the severity of the consequences of killing a person in real life, they are able make a clear distinction between the two. When it comes to killing there is hardly any ambiguity. Sadly, that is far from the truth when it comes to sexualizing girls. It should immediately be perceived as wrong leaving no room for interpretation, and yet here we are still putting up with these inaccurate and demeaning female representations.

Most children who have been groomed don’t realize it till years down the road. If they aren’t ever taught the telltale signs to properly labeling grooming situations, how do you expect them to make sense of and relate to a fictional version? Let’s think of about it from a child’s perspective. Yes, this includes teens who rely pretty heavily on adult guidance and the content we put out there for them. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment and picture that you’ve never had child grooming explained to you (because that’s just the reality for so many unfortunately). Wouldn’t you say it’s possible for them to deduce that what they see on their screens is how they come to discern something in real life, especially if they have little to no experience with it? Perceived realism is plausible, y'all.

What it comes down to in the end is that the ideas and emotions we cultivate behind these stories leave an impression on others. Impressions are capable of influencing the way we see the world, which in turn affects us and beyond just our imagination. The way I look at it, stories contribute to how and why we normalize certain beliefs and trends. If fiction reflects real life like most of us tend to agree, then wouldn’t you say Sessrin is a (in)direct result of this world’s tendency to place young girls in overly sexual or romantic environments? Where do you think fiction draws its inspiration from? Sure, some of it originates from our imagination, but most of what drives us to create these stories is the real world and the people who live in it.

Fiction is meant to mirror reality, but it’s ridiculous to suggest that it’s only a one-way street. That fiction in no way, shape, or form influences our reality? Or that it only works the other way around? With all due respect, that’s simply not true. No productive discourse can be had if we choose to ignore the truth and don’t come together (at least halfway) to tackle the real issues at hand. 

Okay, I think I’ll leave it off there! Thanks so much for reading. I expect this to be my last blog on any topic regarding Inuyasha in the near future. As much as I’ve looked forward to answering all of your asks and writing all the blogs I have over these past almost 5 months, I think it’s best if I spend some time away for now. With the sequel fast approaching, I’m doing what I always do: hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. I’ve met some amazing people along the way, that’s for sure. And who knows, maybe you’ll see me active in the tags sooner than we think. Until then, it’s been an absolute pleasure! Enjoy the sequel, all of you. 💜

[favefandomimagines]

I Never Planned On You 4

AN: chapter 4! i’m basically writing this for my own entertainment now since it’s ultimately flopping lol but maybe other people are enjoying this as much as i am

wc: 3092

taglist: @x-lulu​

Fred, George and Kendra arrived back at Hogwarts, making small talk with one another as the stairs moved towards the common room. They saw a large crowd of Gryffindor students in front of the Fat Lady’s portrait. As they got closer, Kendra noticed a few tares across the canvas and there was no sign of the Fat Lady. 

“I wonder what happened here.” She commented. Kendra would soon receive an explanation as Percy shoved his way through the crowd. 

Not forgetting to remind everyone that he was Head Boy. “No one is to enter this dormitory until it has been fully searched.” He instructed. 

“Why would it need to be searched?” Kendra asked aloud. Shortly after, Filch and Dumbledore made their way to the painting. 

The headmaster examined the tares before instructing Filch to round up the ghosts and search for the Fat Lady. “There’s no need for ghosts, professor.” Filch replied. With a shaky finger, he pointed to a distant painting and spotted the Fat Lady. 

Students rushed to the painting as fast as they could on a moving staircase. Kendra stopped in front of George as Dumbledore spoke calmly to the Fat Lady. 

“Dear lady, who did this to you?” He asked. “Eyes like the devil, he’s got,” She cried. “And a soul as dark as his name. It’s him, headmaster. The one they all talk about. He’s here, in the castle. Sirius Black!” She finished. 

The crowd began to whisper and gasp, a few eyes landing on Kendra as George placed his hands on her shoulders. They couldn’t possibly think that she had anything to do with it. But the rumor mill at Hogwarts is one of mythical proportions. Word will spread like wildfire that Kendra’s father was in the castle and that she may have had some involvement in it. 

She swallowed the lump in her throat, Dumbledore telling Filch to secure the castle. “The rest of you, to the Great Hall. Except for you, Ms. Black. Come with me.” The man said. 

Kendra frantically looked at George, as if he could potentially help her but they both knew he had no power in the situation. Percy grabbed her wrist gently and tugged her away from George and hoards of people around her. 

The girl was brought back to the headmaster’s office, Dumbledore excusing everyone else who was there. 

“Ms. Black, were you aware of your father being in the castle?” He asked. “No. I swear, professor. I had no idea.” She answered honestly. “He was undoubtedly here for you and Mr. Potter.” Dumbledore muttered. “Kendra, you will return to the Great Hall with the rest of your house. But, if your father makes contact, please let me know.” He told her. 

“What will you do?” Kendra asked. “Don’t worry about that now, dear.” Dumbledore said, dismissing her. Kendra nodded her head and did as she was told. As she was walking down the corridors, she could make out the shapes of the dementors that were on the grounds. She knew her father was innocent. She would never turn him in to suffer a fate at the hands of the dementors.

When she re-entered the Great Hall, eyes fell to her as she walked down the aisles of cots that were being set up. Fred and George spotted the girl and hastily made their way towards her. “What happened? What did he say?” Fred asked. “Are you alright?” George added. 

“I’m fine. He asked if I knew anything about the Fat Lady.” Kendra answered. “Well, obviously you don’t. You’re terrible at keeping secrets.” Fred commented. “I am not!” She protested. “Yes, Kendra, you are. But that’s not the point. Do you think your father is here for you?” George asked. “I don’t know. Would he even be able to recognize me?” Kendra replied. 

The sky soon grew dark and Professor Snape told them all that they would be sleeping in the Great Hall until the common room was searched thoroughly. Kendra couldn’t sleep though. Not when she was sleeping on a very thin cot on the stone floor of the Great Hall. That, and her rampant thoughts keeping her up. 

Everyone thinks Sirius is trying to kill Harry. But if Kendra knew anything for certain, it’s that her father would never harm Harry. At least that’s what she hoped. 

“I didn’t really expect him to linger.” Kendra heard Dumbledore say. “Remarkable feat, don’t you think? To enter Hogwarts Castle on one’s own completely undetected.” Snape added. “Quite  remarkable, yes.” Dumbledore replied. “Any theories on how he might have managed it?” Snape asked. 

“Many, each as unlikely as the next. Don’t insinuate Kendra, Severus, she was just a child when he went away. She has no knowledge of her father’s whereabouts.” Dumbledore answered. “My concern is not that of Ms. Black. You may recall, prior to the start of term, I did express concerns about your appointment of Professor Lupin.” Snape said. 

Remus? They were suspecting Remus of helping Sirius inside the castle? Kendra thought it was highly unlikely, surely he would have mentioned that to her to prevent her from why her teachers has such a sneaking suspicion of her. 

“Not a single professor inside this castle would help Sirius Black to enter it. No, I’m quite convinced the castle is safe. And I’m more than willing to send the students back to their houses.” Dumbledore interjected. “What about Potter? Should he be warned?” Snape questioned. 

It was now clear to Kendra that everyone seemed to think that her father was after Harry. She didn’t know what her father was planning but she knew he wouldn’t hurt anyone. Kendra didn’t want him to prove everyone right. 

__

The next morning, Dumbledore let the students back in their common rooms. Kendra had never been so relieved to sleep in her own dorm instead of the floor. But everyone was still whispering about her. Her own housemates, students from other houses, the teachers. She felt like she was under a microscope. 

As she was walking to the Defense Against the Dark Arts room, luck was not on her side as she bumped into Draco as she turned the corner. 

“Watch it, Malfoy.” She snapped at him. “Or what? Have your lunatic father come after me?” He sneered. “No, I’ll just send a letter to your father. Wonder how disappointed he’d be if he knew you were boasting about having Pansy Parkinson do all of your homework. What would he always say to you? ‘Don’t boast, Draco?’” Kendra replied. 

Draco clenched his jaw at the girl’s words before pushing past her harshly. Kendra rolled her eyes and continued on her journey to Remus’ classroom. She was very early because she needed to ask the professor if he knew about her father being on the grounds. 

She stepped inside the empty classroom as Remus was preparing his lesson for the day. “Ah, Kendra, you’re here early.” He commented upon her arrival. “I wanted to speak with you about something actually.” She said. 

“What would you like to talk about?” He asked. “Did you help my father into Hogwarts?” Kendra asked. Remus paused momentarily as he stood up from his desk. “I can assure you, Kendra, that I did not help your father. Surely I would tell you if I had.” Remus replied. “Professor Snape thinks you did. I overheard him and Professor Dumbledore talking about it.” She said. 

“Professor Snape has never been fond of me or your father. He’s holding grudges from our days in Hogwarts. He has always been a suspicious man.” Remus said. 

Kendra nodded her head as she fished out a letter she received from Andromeda. “I got a letter from Andromeda. Apparently, she’s thinking about pulling me out of school for my safety.” She said. “What? Why?” Remus questioned. “Because she thinks other students are going to hurt me. She’s very paranoid but Remus, you can’t let her do that. I can’t leave Hogwarts, all of my friends are here. George is-” She started before she stopped herself. 

“You don’t want to leave Mr. Weasley, is that it?” He asked. “Of course I don’t. I don’t want to leave any of them.” Kendra said. “Kendra, I see how you look at him in class. Especially when you saw your Boggart.” Remus said. 

During Remus’ lesson over Boggarts and the spell to get rid of them, it had been revealed that Kendra’s Boggart was the infamous Bellatrix Lestrange. Mainly due to the fact that Kendra had to watch Bellatrix kill her mother right in front of her. The woman was mad and that had been enough to solidify the fear Kendra held for her. 

George was the only one aside from Remus who seemed to have any idea who the woman was. Out of just sheer habit, the person she looked to for help was George. It seemed he was always the one saving her when she needed him. 

“Remus, please don’t let Andromeda take me out of school. I need to stay here.” Kendra begged. “I will do my best. But you know how she is.” Remus said. Students soon began to fill the classroom and Kendra took her seat, waiting for Angelina.

__

The next morning, Kendra was woken up by the sound of Angelina and Alicia chanting the Gryffindor quidditch cheer. “Can the two of you quiet down? Some of us want to sleep.” She groaned. “Kendra! It’s quidditch day! We have our match against Hufflepuff today!” Alicia yelled, tossing a pillow at the girl. 

“But it’s Saturday morning and I’m tired.” She complained. “You forget that a certain Weasley has declared you his good luck charm.” Angelina teased. Kendra sat up in bed and rolled her eyes as her roommates laughed. 

“You wouldn’t miss a quidditch game for anything. Even for the rain.” Alicia said. “Let’s be honest; the only reason Kendra even likes quidditch is because she likes seeing George in the uniform.” Katie Bell chimed in. 

“Why am I even friends with the three of you?” She questioned. “Because you’d be lost without us.” Angelina answered. 

The four girls left their dorm and headed to the Great Hall for breakfast. Though she couldn’t forget Angelina’s words. Had George really said she was his good luck charm? He had never said it to her. So that meant he talked about her to people. 

Was she reading too much into such a small statement? Maybe. But a part of her hoped it was true. 

They took their usual spots at the Gryffindor table, casually chatting about their assignments and the upcoming quidditch match. All three of Kendra’s friends were on the quidditch team so she picked up on a lot of the technical terms.

And thanks to the twins, she grew a fondness for professional quidditch. Of course she wasn’t a true born fan like the Weasley’s, she appreciated the sport.  

Fred and George walked in shortly after the girls had sat down and Fred heard his brother’s breath hitch before he stopped walking. He followed his eyeline and spotted Kendra sitting at the table. 

“This is truly getting ridiculous, George. Just tell her you like her.” Fred said. “It’s not that easy, Freddie. You are notoriously better at this stuff than I am. I can barely form two words around her when we talk about our feelings. I can’t have her turn me down and then lose her as a friend.” George replied. 

Fred cursed Kendra for making him swear to secrecy when she told him she liked George. It would’ve made things a lot easier if she hadn’t. 

“Everything will be fine. Now can we please go eat? I’m starving.” Fred complained. 

The two Beaters approached the table and George squeezed his way in between Kendra and Alicia. “This seat taken?” He asked the two girls. Kendra rolled her eyes playfully and nudged him gently. 

“Excited about the match?” She asked. “Oh, I’m ready. We are going to destroy Hufflepuff. Especially, when I have my good luck charm in the stands.” He said, a smirk adorning his lips. 

“Who’s this good luck charm?” She asked, though Kendra already knew the answer. “You of course.” George replied. Kendra smiled at him as giant butterflies kept flapping in her stomach. 

She hated how those small little comments made her feel. A person should not feel that way about their best friend. It was a recipe for disaster. 

Soon the girl was sitting with Hermione and Ron in the stands of the quidditch pitch. It was cold, rainy and Kendra was miserable. 

But supporting her friends was more important than the potential case of hypothermia she was contracting. The game was well underway and it was a rough one due to the weather. 

Making Kendra’s nerves skyrocket as she watched George and Fred fly around on their brooms. Alicia was already out of the game because her broom caught fire. Kendra didn’t want Fred or George to suffer the same fate. 

Everyone lost sight of Harry in the storm clouds as him and Cedric Diggory went after the snitch. But Cedric came back down, not in the best state, and Harry hadn’t come back down. “Where is he?” Kendra asked herself. She tried to keep her focus on the two redhead beaters and the rest of the team. 

Though her focus was soon back to the sky when Harry started to fall through the clouds. Kendra panicked over all of the screaming. Harry was her friend and if something didn’t stop his fall, he surely wouldn’t survive. 

Chalk it up to her natural born impulsivity, Kendra took out her wand and pointed it at Harry. 

“Kendra what are you doing?” Hermione questioned her. “Arresto momentum!” She shouted. Harry then started to slow down until he was ‘safely’ on the ground. 

Kendra knew it probably wasn’t wise to stop Harry on her own but she felt she had to. The stands cleared soon after Harry was taken off the pitch, and Kendra, Ron and Hermione made their way towards the castle to check up on Harry. 

“Kendra!” She heard George call. The dark haired girl turned around and saw the redhead jogging towards her. “That was incredible! How did you know to do that?” He asked. 

“I-I panicked and felt like I had to do something. Maybe it has to do with the impulsive behavior we both have in common.” She replied with a strained laugh. 

“And this is why I call you my good luck charm. Apparently you’re Harry’s too.” He said with a warm smile. The two walked back to the castle and met the other at Harry’s bedside. 

“Kendra, that was amazing! You saved his life!” Neville exclaimed. “It was nothing. How is he?” She asked, desperately needing the attention off of her. “He’s okay. Better than the alternative.” Hermione answered. 

“He looks a bit peaky, doesn’t he?” Ron commented. “Peaky? What’d you expect? He fell over 100 feet.” Fred said. “Yeah, come on, Ron. Let’s walk you off the Astronomy tower,” George started. 

“And see what you look like.” Fred finished. “Probably a right sight better than he normally does.” Harry groaned. Everyone smiled and let out simultaneous sighs of relief. “How are you feeling?” Hermione asked. “Oh brilliant.” He replied. “You gave us a right good scare there, mate.” Fred said. “What happened?” Harry questioned. 

The group of students exchanged looks before Ron answered. “Well, you fell off your broom. And Kendra had to use a spell to save you.” He said. “Really? I meant the match. Who won?” The boy asked. 

“No one blames you, Harry. The dementors aren't supposed to come inside the grounds. Dumbledore's furious. As soon as Kendra saved you, he sent them straight off.” Hermione said. 

“There's something else you should know too.When you fell, your broom sort of blew into the Whomping Willow, and...well...” Ron trailed off, presenting Harry’s broken broom to him. 

It was clear that Harry was upset about his broom, soon falling back to rest his head against his pillow. 

“Alright, give him some space. Let him rest.” Madam Pomfrey instructed the teens. The students gave Harry some goodbye’s and well-wishes before leaving the hospital. 

“That was quite a show.” George commented, swinging his arm over Kendra’s shoulder. “Ew, get off of me until you shower. You’re all sweaty.” She grimaced, pushing the boy away. “So then after he showers you want him on you?” Fred teased. “Shut up, Fred. That’s not what I meant.” Kendra rebutted. 

She rolled her eyes and walked ahead of the twins, the two still snickering about how easy they can get under Kendra’s skin. They all arrived back at the common room, the girls splitting off to rid themselves of boys covered in sweat after both participating in and cheering for quidditch. 

Kendra made plans with George to meet in the common room after he washed up so she could help him with his Defense Against the Dark Arts homework. He somehow thought that her being Lupin’s favorite student meant that she knew everything. 

She was sitting on her bed, staring at the letter from Andromeda, hoping to Merlin that Remus could talk her out of taking Kendra out of Hogwarts. She was so deep in thought she didn’t realize it was half past five and George was probably waiting for her. 

The dark haired girl gathered her books and her notes and headed down to the common room. She stopped short when she heard a few boys bring up her name. 

“Kendra had to have helped him get in the castle. Who else knows Sirius Black?” One said. “It makes sense. She’s probably helping him with his murder plot.” Another added. “What murder plot?” George’s voice questioned. 

It was the sound of George’s voice that hurt Kendra the most. He was there, listening to these people talk poorly of her and he’s doing nothing to stop it. “Is that what you all think?” Kendra questioned aloud. 

The boys cowered in their seats, George being the only one to stand up and face her. Kendra glared at the redhead before turning around and retreating towards her dorm. 

She only made it halfway up the steps when someone caught her wrist. “Kendra, please, wait.” George pleaded. “You let them say awful things about me. And all you had to say was ‘what murder plot?’ You’re supposed to be my best friend.” She snapped, tears stinging her eyes. 

“I am.” He started. “No, George. You’re not. You just let them talk. You didn’t even stop them.” She said in a more hushed tone, wriggling out of his grasp and going up the stairs.

 George just stood there, too dumbfounded to move. Kendra was right though. He should’ve shut them up. He didn’t know why he just sat there, maybe because he knew the truth and he knew none of it was true. 

But now he hurt the one person he swore he’d never hurt. And he had no idea how he was going to make right. George had to forget confessing his feelings to her and just focus on getting his best friend back. 

[anoray]

Happy Anniversary, Star Wars Rebels and fans!

In honor of the October 3rd anniversary of Star Wars Rebels, here is an opening excerpt from Chapter 6 of Spectre One Rises WIP for anyone who happens to be reading my fanfic on A03. 

Hope you enjoy! This has not been beta’d, so pardon any rough spots.

Excerpt from Chapter 6 – The Mutiny

5 ABY

Kanan – Chimaera

The word delighted was hardly one that Kanan would use to describe the feeling dredged up in his guts by Thrawn’s imperious arrival. That said, the sight of Ezra tossing the squad leader his rifle and bounding into Hera’s arms like a fathier released from a starting gate finally eased the ropes of tension wrapped so tightly around Kanan’s chest. His heart took immediate advantage of its freedom by ballooning hugely with joy while Ezra lifted Hera’s heels off the ground in an enthusiastic embrace. 

 “Hera! I’ve missed you so, so much!”

 Hera pulled back just enough to meet Ezra’s shining blue gaze. Her own face was aglow with maternal love, and pent up tears magnified her wide-set eyes. She captured Ezra’s chin with a trembling hand, taking in the dark goatee that encircled his radiant smile. “If only we could’ve all been together while you finished growing up,“ her voice husked softly.

 “How fortuitous you are reunited on my ship,” Thrawn’s crisp voice disrupted.

 Kanan swallowed the raw lump in his throat and dragged his attention to where Thrawn stood planted like an unyielding Veshok tree in front of the bristling hedge of his weapons-bearing minions. The armored barricade had surrounded either side of the captive group.

 “I bid you formal welcome aboard the Chimaera, General Syndulla.” Thrawn clasped his hands behind his back like a bird of prey folding its wings after a kill.

 “Like I had any choice, Thrawn,” Hera hissed back at the Chiss. She gripped the crook of Ezra’s elbow with one hand and the other interlocked fingers with Kanan’s almost painfully tight.

 Kanan’s mind spat out an image that was a far too recent memory for him: Hera stumbling into his arms after interminable hours of torture strapped to Governor Pryce’s interrogation chair. And here before us stands the puppet master behind it all.

 Kanan’s jaws clenched to restrain his bared teeth, and his body shifted of its own accord to align himself with Ezra as protective shields on either side of Hera. If only our unwanted Imperial audience would do us the favor of dropping through the hanger floor.

 Instead, the glowing orbs of Thrawn’s eyes focused on Hera’s stiff face with keen satisfaction.

 “Ah, but I am offering you a choice, General.” He gestured elegantly at Ezra, the sweep of his blue hand outlining the incongruous, Imperial boilersuit under the young Jedi’s scowling face. “After all, Commander Bridger here has been my military guest for over five years.”

 Hera’s eyes narrowed into jade green slits, then Thrawn inclined his head toward Kanan. “And your…companion…Master Jarrus, joined the Chimaera in this same capacity not long ago.” A corner of the grand admiral’s mouth twitched.

 Hera’s inexplicable look slid from a very disconcerted Ezra to settle on Kanan. “Is that so?” she responded glacially.

 Kanan’s free hand spread itself in reflexive defense; he felt his suddenly hot face scramble up an I can explain everything look, only to blanch as Hera’s eyebrow climbed to its unnerving Oh, yes, you will, dear height. In response, Kanan’s shamelessly oblivious heart decided to perform an ecstatic backflip, behaving as if he and Hera cuddled alone on the Ghost while bickering over their morning caf. Kriff!

 “Indeed, General Syndulla,” Thrawn’s silken words coiled around Kanan and Hera and snapped back their undivided attention. He gestured solemnly to indicate the dismal battlefield beyond the Chimaera’s hull. “I can assure you the Jedi have remained willingly allied with our Imperial forces against a grave, galactic threat.”

 The red-hot coals of Thrawn’s eyes cast their way across the squads of stormtroopers to ensure his pointed reminder of their common enemy had sunk in. His glower lingered pointedly on Bek, freezing the trooper’s furtive struggles to straighten his still crooked pauldron in mid-motion.

 “You don’t say,” Hera forced through clenched teeth…then her fingers secretly pressed against Kanan’s reassuringly.

 Kanan’s eyebrows drew fleetingly together before Hera shook her head at him almost imperceptibly. She knows more than she wants to let on. Kanan squeezed Hera’s hand back lightly in acknowledgement, then flicked a glance at Ezra. His not-padawan’s retreating scowl signaled that he’d picked up the coded signal as well.

 Thrawn’s brow quirked before his gaze bored into Hera relentlessly. “I surmise the evidence of this invader’s penchant for butchery did not escape your notice?”

 “It most certainly did not,” Hera bit out tersely, but her green cheeks paled.

 “Then you are fully aware that time permits only two immediate destinations from which you may choose, General.” Thrawn raised his chin regally, his expression deceptively placid. “My security forces can either escort you to the comfort of my office while I determine your potential as my military guest…or to the solitary confines of a detention cell for the remainder of your journey.” One eyebrow arched upward coolly. “Do you have a preference?”

 In the beat of Hera’s simmering silence, troubled thoughts flashed through Kanan’s mind. Thrawn was walking a razor’s edge after he and Ezra tossed bucketheads all over the Chimaera to reunite with a notorious Rebellion general. If Kanan and Ezra escaped punishment, Bek and his Jedi-hating cronies would have plenty of outraged company. Clearly, Thrawn was willing to risk his stormtroopers’ ire to keep the Jedi as pawns in active play against both the New Republic and the Nihilum. Now Thrawn has Hera’s capture to maximize our captive cooperation.

 Kanan sensed similar, unpleasant conclusions conjure up a grimace on Ezra’s face just as his own mouth declared hotly, “We go wherever General Syndulla chooses.”

 “Excuse me, sir Grand Admiral,” Hondo piped in abruptly, startling everyone. The wiry pirate pressed his manacled hands to his chest. “Speaking for myself, Hondo, I would much prefer the comfort of that undoubtedly very fine office at the tip top of your most magnificent bridge tower.”

 As Melch squealed and nodded vigorously beside Hondo, Kanan resisted pinching the bridge of his nose. Of all the beings in the galaxy who could’ve popped out of hyperspace with Hera, these two ragtags were the last names Kanan would have placed on the list. What the hell does the Force have tucked up its sleeve this time?

 Thrawn merely glanced coldly at the squad leader to his right. “Have the pirates taken to detention cells immediately. Orders will follow concerning their interrogation.”

 “Yes, Admiral.”

 “Bah!” Hondo exclaimed as two stormtroopers dutifully manhandled him and the squirming Melch toward the rest of the squad.

 “Is this really necessary?” Ezra’s expression roiled like a menacing thundercloud as the protesting pirates were walled off by a row of troopers.

 “Extremely,” Thrawn stated flatly.

 “This is not at all unexpected--but disappointing nonetheless!” Hondo called reproachfully to Thrawn while the stormtrooper yanked the Weequay forward with an iron grip. “Ho! Gently now, we are happily going.”

 Alongside Hondo, Melch swiftly kicked his own escort in his armored kneecaps and promptly received a sharp cuff to the head.

 “I promise I’ll come check on you, Hondo!” Ezra declared through the clenched megaphone of his hands.

 “Dear boy, your concern for Hondo touches my heart!” Hondo shot back as he was unceremoniously marched away. “But rest assured, Hondo is an interrogation expert!”

 “Enough.” Thrawn’s crimson gaze practically dissected Ezra and Kanan before it nestled on Hera. His voice softened to a glacial purr. “Your decision, General Syndulla?”

 Hera bequeathed Thrawn with a glare so murderous the pit of Kanan’s stomach felt supremely relieved it wasn’t directed at him.

 “Your office it is. Grand Admiral.” Hera’s tongue coated Thrawn’s title with a less than subtle layer of sarcasm.

 Thrawn ignored her jab as if it was utterly beneath his notice. “Proceed.”

 He issued a nonchalant gesture of command to the second squad leader and strode toward the hanger bay exit with his sentry droids close on heels. Lieutenant Braruz re-emerged into view and kept her speculative gaze locked on Ezra, Kanan and Hera until she turned obediently to trail the towering droids.

 Meanwhile, the squad swiftly corralled the Rebel trio and herded them in the wake of the grand admiral’s entourage. Hera walked between Kanan and Ezra with her head held high, her lekku swinging gracefully with each firm stride. She kept one slim hand tucked in the crook of Ezra’s elbow while her other remained intertwined with Kanan’s like a permanent fixture.

 Kanan trod along in more than a little daze, wondering if Hera (and the whole damn hanger) could hear his heart romping around like a Loth-cat each time it sank in that she was actually here beside him. Everything had happened so fast that a part of Kanan remained in shock to be holding hands with the woman he’d only dreamed of returning home to less than thirty minutes ago. Granted, being held captive aboard a Star Destroyer with Hera’s archenemy wasn’t exactly the romantic setting Kanan had envisioned for their reunion, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to complain.

 Through the Force--and Hera’s pulse--Kanan sensed her emotions running as wildly as his own beneath her calm facade. If only he could ask the million questions firing up every neuron in his mind (starting with our child!). Kanan had to settle for touching his lips to Hera’s cap-covered earcone and murmuring, “We’ve got a lot to catch up on.”

 Hera’s face turned, revealing a churn of uncountable questions and concerns behind her falsely mild expression. “Yes, love,” she agreed with equal tenderness and frustration, then leaned in so the warmth of her breath caressed Kanan’s ear in the barest of whispers. “When Big Blue isn’t around to hear us.”

 Big Blue? That’s Ezra’s code name for… Kanan stared raptly into Hera’s eyes and the crafty triumph he found sparkling in their depths could only mean one thing: She had crossed paths with PZ-5 and the droid was somehow safe after all.

 Oh, Hera. Far too many ways in which Kanan could fully express his gratitude and revel in his Twi’lek general’s infallible resourcefulness electrified his body. At the knowing glint in Hera’ eye, Kanan turned away to cool his thoughts—not to mention the hot flush rising in his cheeks.

 Ever since awakening in the Chimaera’s bacta tank, Kanan’s heart had felt shrouded under Thrawn’s mantle of manipulative darkness. Despite the odds stacking against their Rebel trio, Kanan now burned that shroud with an inner glow so bright, he let its light slip out by flashing Hera the most reverent smile he possessed in his arsenal.  

 Hera’s by my side. And PZ-5’s out there drumming up a rescue party.

 Kanan almost felt sorry for Thrawn.

[of-suns-and-guns]

What's wrong with oneshit? Did I miss something?

I’m answering this fully conscious of the fact that this ask may very well have come from either her, or someone she’s asked to do this for her. Which, if any of you have ever sent me an ask I never answered, 75% of the time it’s because I’m all too aware this is something she does, and I’m sorry for any genuine askers I’ve ignored because of it.

That being said, no, you haven’t missed anything. I’ve never spoken publicly about it (nor has anyone else she might’ve tried to do this to, of whom I know of at least one person in this fandom, and two others before me from other fandoms).

Even in private I’ve only alluded the actual extent of it to one person, and even further still, there were details I couldn’t make myself say, and won’t say now because re-counting them makes it feel like it’s still happening and I’ve spent too much time getting violently sick in my recovery of it.

But maybe part of that recovery comes with no longer being afraid to warn people of what to look out for when it comes to her and others like her.

Content warning for sexual abuse below the cut:

This might sound like a stupid place to start, but nothing about what happened was stupid or so benign as this intro might lend you to believe, so I’m asking you to just go with it, for a second, please.

I write angst, drama, and romance. Clearly. Unabashedly. It’s what I’m here for, and it’s what I love to do. I’ve also always been upfront about my disinterest in writing smut. There’s nothing wrong with it, it just doesn’t hold my interest, so even smutty prompts will turn dramatic and romantic in my hands.

And literally can’t count the number of times I said that to her.

She read something into one of my first ficlets that I didn’t put there, and because it came up in the very beginning of our relationship before we’d established a stronger report, I didn’t argue further than to just tell her, when read in context, this[1] was meant to describe the way Alex feeds her own self-deprecation, NOT because it’s actually a sincere reading of what happened between them.

I told her so many times that smut was difficult and uninteresting to me to write, that I wanted to write drama and romance, and I was remiss for ever thinking she cared about that, because she wanted me to write smut for her, and getting what she wants is literally all she cares about.

And after a time, I did write smut for/with her because, while it’s not something I have ever sought to do on my own, I am physically capable of it and I’m a good enough writer that I do write it well, so I didn’t see the harm in making the concession for someone who, at that point, I considered a really good friend, with every chance of becoming a best friend, especially at a time in my life I didn’t have many of those, and had NO fandom friends to speak of.

So I did it on the basis that it wasn’t something I would do often, and it still didn’t hold my interest the way it held hers, making it clear throughout that I would always prefer to write within my own genres.

I had no clue at the time that, in my concession, I was giving her the tools she needed to create an environment in which she’d tell me to perform to her liking, and very quickly established the punishments I’d face for saying no.

Those punishments included:

pushing the issue, asking again and again, until the easiest option was just to give in so the issue would just finally go away

pretending to make concessions herself by asking instead for only part of the original whole, regardless of why I didn’t want to do ANY part of it

treating me with cold antagonism if I stuck to my original no, making interactions one-sided and uncomfortable

guilt-trip or punish me (in all the listed ways) if I didn’t react to her or her writing (also all smut, do not let the genre of her public works make you doubt that) in the way SHE qualified as the correct way to respond (which was almost always an expectation to enthusiastically jump into continuing the [smutty] prompt with her)

making it very clear that she only kept people around if they served her purpose, likening friendship to a quantifiable transaction, that if she wrote something for me (which was almost always smut, by the way, in case you were wondering if she wrote my preferred genres for me), I was expected to write something for her that she deemed appropriately proportional

going so far as to actually stop talking to me for two or three months at a time when I really pissed her off, left stuck with the knowledge that if I’d just done what she wanted, or if I hadn’t opened my mouth and called her out for her shitty behavior, then I wouldn’t have lost my friend

if I showed her any of my writing that DIDN’T include smut, she eventually stopped feigning interest in it, and would instead: not actually react, outwardly belittled it, belittled me, make me feel stupid and dramatic for writing what I love to write, like my writing wasn’t actually good or enjoyable without smut being included, or she’d take some core part of my plot and MAKE it vulgar in an attempt to spin the whole thing into a way to force me to write smut with her

Again, I know this sounds like a relatively benign place to describe what happened and doesn’t do much to claim she was anything other than a shitty friend, but I need to make clear how she works and the choices I faced, the choices SHE gave me between saying no to her, and just giving in.

Because it wasn’t just writing smut for her, and everything fatally wrong about even that part of our relationship got exponentially more so when the relationship became sexual between us.

No wasn’t a suitable answer for her. Hard-line, “No, I don’t want to,” means, “Convince me in whatever way you can,” in her opinion. If I didn’t have a reason SHE deemed good enough to not be able to do what she wanted, then she expected me to get over it and just comply, and she’d push and push and push because, to her, no means I just haven’t said yes yet, and she had no qualms about using those same punishments against me when that yes never came.

And those choices change the way you think until it’s, “I don’t want to do this, but I don’t want to even tell her that because things have been good and I don’t want to make her mad,” and “If I just do it, she’ll let it go and leave me alone,” and “Is sticking to my first no really worth the fight? Is a little discomfort worth losing her?”

She cornered me into a lot of vulnerable positions, and I am utterly terrified of her using those things to retaliate against me for talking about this now, because last time I even vaguely alluded to her, she sent me a message making it very clear she not only read it, but was defensive and angry at me for doing so.

I adore this fandom, I love being here, and I’m terrified of people hating me for the things she’d say.

But I’m saying it now, because I’m tired of being scared. And I’m tired getting sick to my stomach every time I see her writing being held up to any kind of esteem, and I hate that it took someone else noticing my reactions to sex and intimacy were that of someone who’d been sexually abused for me to actually face the extent of what she did to me.

And most of all, I hate that she might be following this blog. That she might be reading this, or having people send me messages, or being anywhere in my fandom space at all, and I will not let that vile, disgusting, predatory, miserable excuse for a human being scare me out of my fandom.

It took time, distance, and a few unimaginably awesome friends to stop excusing every vile thing she did, and certainly played a major role in keeping me from folding to her the last time she tried to twist me back into it.

I’m still not quite at okay though. I still can’t stomach sexual attention, not even from my partner[2], and there are still a lot of days I can’t even stand skin-to-skin contact. But I’m strong enough to do this. To talk about it now. Still terrified, but my friends know most of this already, and I know I’m not going to lose them.

And not gonna lie, a huge part of my ability to do this comes down to the fact that you guys have always been so unfailingly supportive. I wouldn’t feel safe enough to do this if you weren’t so great, and while the fear’s still there, I do take comfort in what you’ve shown me thus far.

[1] “You’re her little sister, and you turn her on, make her wet, make her want. You’re her little sister, and she loves seeing your blue eyes staring up at her from between her legs. You’re her little sister, and she loves watching you come for her, knows what every inch of your body tastes like, and she can list every vulgar thing that drives you completely wild.”

[2] Yes, my partner knows the full extent of this. They were actually the one who broached the subject of my reactions being that of a sexual abuse survivor. We’re also in a poly relationship, just by the by.

[tinderthecity]

Mr. Mindful

It’s been a while, but I thought it would be fun to post a keeper of a date from a while back, just in time for Valentine’s Day.

I began dating again sometime in October. It’s always helpful to give yourself time to heal after a rough breakup, so naturally I tried to jump back in almost immediately. I didn’t want to go right back into Tinder or Bumble, it felt overwhelming, but luckily social media is really creepy about their advertising and for a while I saw an ad floating around for a dating app called “Meet Mindful,” which is for people who are into mindfulness (they have a dating app for everything now, I know). My thought was - wow, maybe this will help me immediately weed out people who have a fundamentally different understanding of the world than I do.

You’d think at 26 I’d be less naive.

Early on I started talking to Mr. Mindful. After some chatting he asked me to grab dinner at a pizza place that served gluten and dairy free pizza, so naturally I agreed.

As I started walking to the pizza place that Friday, tears started streaming down my face, and then I broke into full out sobs. I pulled myself together by the next block, and then I was back in sobs two blocks later. It was a cycle for about 15 minutes. I texted my girlfriends, I called my mom, I had been really solidly single for a little over a month and I realized I just wasn’t ready.

I told Mr. Mindful the truth, I gave him a little back story to my situation, told him I was crying, and that I didn’t think it was fair for either of us if I went on this date. His response was extremely understanding:

“Hey Chloé, as much as I wish you didn’t cancel on me, I appreciate you letting me know your situation, as I can understand that. I’d be willing to try and meet up again at some point.”

So wonderful. Points for Mr. Mindful. I was extremely relieved and skipped gleefully all the way home.

About a month later I started to feel comfortable with the notion of dating again, I re-opened my Bumble and Tinder accounts, and I was baby stepping towards opening up. Around that same time Mr. Mindful texted me asking if I’d felt comfortable to try and meet up again soon.

I had actually considered reaching out to him myself, after his kind and accepting response the last go around, I was willing to give it a shot.

We decided on the pizza place again, and this time as I walked to our date I didn’t cry once ;D

When I first meet him, I realize pretty immediately that I’m not entirely attracted to him, but that’s ok. I also realize pretty immediately that he is VERY awkward. He has a hard time looking at me when he speaks and instead focuses his attention on shifting around his utensils and swirling around his water.

I know some people can get really nervous on first dates, I also know some people have more awkwardness to them than others, so I never want to make a snap judgment or shut down into discomfort, it’s always my goal to make the situation as chill, casual, and comfortable as possible, so I do my best.  

We small talk and chit chat about life (as he continues to not look at me). He asks me about my job situation, I explain that I was just offered a position at Fordham University, that I plan to get my masters degree while I’m there and hopefully at some point in the future, my Ph.D. because I would love to end up teaching in higher ed.

He then responds by saying “I just don’t like the extreme leftist agenda of higher education.”

…………….ummmmmmm excuse me? if you know me, I don’t think there’s much I need to say about this. But even that aside, what a way to respond to someone’s life trajectory..

Our conversation continues (I preface by saying I kept my tone very calm and cordial to keep that chill first date environment):

Me: Tell me more of what you mean by that Him: I just think our society is trying to engrain natural male behaviors out of us

.....?!?!?!

Me: Like what kind of behaviors? Him: I think men are more naturally aggressive, and we’re told not to be. Like young boys at school on the playground want to rough and tumble and the teachers tell them to stop. I think it just ends up getting pent up and then men do stupid things when they’re older. Me: I understand what you’re saying, but I think it’s more so about time and place. First of all there is a liability when it comes to children being injured at school. Second it’s about teaching kids when and what is appropriate. For example, the little boy I used to nanny, we could tell he wanted a physical outlet so now he is in martial arts where he has that outlet with boundaries, and they teach them things like “we use common sense before self-defense, we never use martial arts to be abusive or aggressive, etc.” I also know quite a few men in my life who have actually said they feel as though masculine expectations have been harmful because it never allowed them to fully express their emotions or feel vulnerability and weakness in a healthy way. Him: Yeah but I mean there also comes a point when you have to toughen up and know you’ll be ok and move on. Me: I think it requires a balance.

At this point I KNOW this isn’t going to work but he seems comfortable with the conclusion we’ve reached. He’s talking to me about how he wants to be a life coach to young guys …….. (still not looking at me)

So in this moment, and even now far removed, my thought is that because Mr. Mindful is a kind of petite, small framed, socially awkward guy, he blames what he perceives to be his “non-hyper-masculine” persona to be the cause of his social unease. Whereas I think he just has some social unease regardless and were he to just own his own self as he is, he would have greater ease no matter the “level” of masculinity. Just my thoughts.

It comes time to pay our bill and he says he’ll get it. I ask if he wants to split and he says “you can get dessert.”

…. oh so we’re not done here.

Not knowing how to back out of this one I say I know a place across town, it’s near the train I know we both have to take to get back home so I figure it’s at least in the right direction. To which he responds - “Do you like to dance?”

I obviously like to dance, but Idk what I’m walking into here so I say - “it depends.”

He says there is a swing dancing place in midtown that he wanted to take me to and he could teach me how to dance.

Ok it’s a Thursday night, it’s already 8, he wants to get dessert AND swing dance downtown, I have work in the morning, and I honestly want this date to be over 5 minutes ago. I tell him I’m having breakfast with some friends in the morning before work (I had a show with them the following night.. close enough) but that we can do dessert and maybe swing dancing can be for another time. He unhappily agrees.

We wait for the cross town bus and he keeps inching closer to me as I inch further away. By the time the bus arrives we’ve moved at least 5 feet from where we started. All the while he guesses my Myers-Briggs on the first shot (ok that was kind of impressive) and I find out that he’s a scorpio (should’ve known.. ;]).

We have our dessert, hop on the train, and as I go to get off at my stop he gets up to get off with me. He lives a good 3+ stops north of me so I’m confused, I also would prefer a guy not know where I live when I hardly know him. He walks me part way home and says - “I don’t like saying goodbye on subways. I had a great time, lets do this again some time”

In order to avoid the potential first kiss I say yeah, hug him, and get the hell out of there.

He texts me the next day. At this point, I think the messages will speak for themselves.

Prepare yourself.

Needless to say, after this exchange I blocked his number.

I was a bit concerned that he may still have access to me via the app, the only hiccup was, in order to block him on the app I had to go to his profile, and this app also tells you when people go to your profile..... a bit of a glitch in the system.

So of course, contact me on the app is exactly what he did.

His apology follows...

I reiterate.. prepare yourself

Him:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me:

I think I can officially say that my first experience back after a year and a half was definitely.... more entertaining to read than to experience first hand!

Happy Valentine’s Day Everyone! 

[words-writ-in-starlight]

So i recently read books 26 and 27 of animorphs and i feel like you are a personi can talk about the chee to? Like. . . I can sort of respect them making the decision to not be able to kill people, but them living as humans while still doing their whole nonintervention thing bugs me because they will be fine regardless of how bad humans mess each other up. They are basically immune to the consequences of their inaction, and they are fine with that as long as dogs are also fine

Oh my God yes darling heart let’s talk about the Chee because I feel like if I ever met a Chee I would inevitably break my knuckles on their face just.  Purely on principle.  Dear Rest Of Tumblr, you may want to just scroll right past this post if you don’t want to hear My Angry Thoughts on the matter.

Some highlights of my past commentary on the Chee include:

i have complicated feelings about the chee but mostly i'm annoyed with them, EVEN IF YOU'RE GOING TO STAND BY YOUR PACIFISM WHILE THE ANIMORPHS ALMOST DIE A LOT, YOU COULD, IDKGIVE THEM A LIST OF KNOWN CONTROLLERS WHILE YOU SPY ON THE YEERK POOL, JUST OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, THAT WOULD BE LIFE-CHANGING FOR THE KIDS

from the tags on this ask

And then there’s:

seriously the chee could do plenty of things that don't include homicide, also how do their 'injury' calculators even work, like, okay, they can't kill stuff, FINE, bring information, hack the yeerks, BUT DOES THAT COUNT AS HARMING THE YEERKS BY ENABLING THE ANIMORPHS TO FIGHT THEM?, IF YES: DOESN'T REFUSING TO TAKE THOSE ACTIONS COUNT AS HARMING EVERYONE THE YEERKS INJURE?, SHOULDN'T THE CHEE SUFFER A LOGIC SHORT BECAUSE OF THIS?, IF NOT THEN WHY AREN'T THEY CHANNELING HUGE AMOUNTS OF INFORMATION TO THE ANIMORPHS, G O D

from the tags on this recap of Book 10 which is 95% complaining about the Chee in case you want to read my short essay on the matter of why one of the Chee should have just taken it in the teeth and reprogrammed themselves with the Crystal

So, yeah, we can talk about the Chee.  First of all, because I’m getting exasperated with the people being snide about my breakdown of why Rogue One dying works narratively by saying “well, they die because they’re not in the original series” LIKE SOMEHOW I’M NOT AWARE, let me just say this.  I understand on a Doylist level why the Chee don’t do anything dramatic.  It would make the series very short.  The fact that they don’t do a goddamn THING to help the Animorphs on the argument of ‘nonviolence’, however, means that I reserve the right to dislike them.

Second of all, I am strictly pro-choice in terms of violence against oppressive individuals, whether it’s real-world Nazis or fictional brain-stealing aliens.  You always have the choice to not get physically violent, and my judgement against the Chee has nothing to do with that.

My judgement against the Chee is this: you do not have the option to stand the fuck back and do nothing while a bunch of fucking teenagers fight and risk their lives every day!!!!!

Like!

No!  No, you do not get to do that!  And like we hear about the Chee acting as spies from time to time, but WHAT DO THEY ACTUALLY DO.  They bring the Animorphs additional problems to deal with at the last second, but offer extremely minimal help in dealing.  Like, fuck, the whole Anti-Morphing Ray debacle in Book 33?  The Chee totally could have just smashed a motherfucker.  It’s a piece of fucking machinery, it’s not going to do anyone any harm if they just slip in and destroy it and wipe the hard drive containing the plans.  They could bring the Animorphs a list of known Controllers.  They’ve already comprehensively infiltrated the Sharing--they could tell the Animorphs who the important players there are.  They could hack the Yeerk communications and keep the Animorphs updated, or, hey, hack the Yeerk communications so that the Animorphs could more effectively harass Andalite High Command into bring in the big guns.  Jesus Christ, if those are too close to ‘doing harm,’ they could just bother to show up when the Animorphs are going to major battles and provide holographic cover for their retreat--NOPE, NO HUMAN CHILDREN HERE, ONLY A WALL.

And before anyone gets on my ass about “well, if they brought the Animorphs a list of Controllers, the Animorphs would use it to do harm to the Yeerks in question so the Chee can’t” like excuse the fuck out of me, but no.  If that’s true--if the Chee are prohibited from doing things that can cause harm at a degree of remove like that--they’re fucked and should have closed up shop due to a logic paradox years ago.  Sure, helping the Animorphs leads to harm being done to the Yeerks, but by not taking that step when they are fully capable of doing so, the Chee are allowing the Yeerks to do harm to human beings, living sentient creatures who should be protected under that mandate.  So quod erat demonstratum and kiss my ass.

AND BOOK 26.

Right, now, I love Book 26, it’s actually one of my favorite books for Erek, because it actually acknowledges that just because he can’t kill the Howlers himself he still very obviously wants them dead and it’s maybe the best of the Chee’s books for showcasing that nonviolence does not equal moral right.  

HOW SO, VODKA TIA, HOW SO.  

Well, actually I prefer gin, but I’m so glad you asked, because listen: the Howlers are all children.  That actually has very little impact on the overall morality of the Animorphs’ fight against them--they’re fighting for their lives and self-defense covereth a multitude of sins--but it’s a crucial detail.  The Howlers are monsters and murderers, yes, but they’re also victims of their own creator.  Their life span isn’t three years, Crayak kills them after three years--they’re grown to fight his battles and then he executes them en masse before they can hit any sort of morality development.  It’s actually a brilliant way to keep his army of killers ‘pure.’  The Howlers do not reproduce and thus do not evolve, they are not raised and thus do not learn, and they are killed at three years old and thus do not live long enough to discover morality.  But especially for the Animorphs, who fight against Controllers every day--Controllers who might have agreed to this, but who might be prisoners and puppets and victims--that information has a lot of weight.

And clearly, clearly, Erek knows this.  Otherwise why would he keep the information from them?  He knows that discovering that the Howlers are children will affect the way the Animorphs fight them--and he’s right, it’s definitely a factor in why they try to find an out that doesn’t require them to kill the Howlers, even though that kind of backfires.  And Erek keeps that information from the Animorphs because “they killed my creators” and honestly he wants to see them pay.  

Erek knows the Animorphs well by this point.  He knows that the Yeerks came to their home world and, despite all the pain and nightmares and trauma, the Animorphs have diligently rained Hell down upon them in retribution.  And he wants that.  He wants the Animorphs to take his revenge for him, and I think that’s a lot of how the Chee look at the situation.  I think that they don’t see kids (if they did, they would take steps accordingly, because oh my God they are children please offer them literally any help), they don’t even really see soldiers (SEE THE ABOVE RE: WHAT DO THE CHEE EVEN DO)--they see a weapon.  Not one that the Chee themselves would use, no, Heaven forfend, but if the weapon fires itself...  If in firing the weapon benefits them...  If the weapon takes their vengeance and does their violence and protects their interests....

Well, then, are the Chee really doing harm at all?

[mara-the-cactupus]

Let’s Hit the Highway at Warp Speed - 4

“Jim!” he cried cheerfully. “But... aren’t you a wee bit early for your shift, lad? It’s only – what – now hang on a second, it’s only seven’o’clock in the bloody morning!” he said accusingly, brandishing a clock. “What sorta trouble have you and your little friends gotten yourselves into that you need to wake up poor Scotty at seven in the morning on a Sunday?”

- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - (ao3) -

Nyota had been correct in saying that packing would be easy. In fact, “re-packing” would probably be a better word for it; she promptly unzipped her suitcase from college and began transferring neat stacks of still-folded shirts into an empty duffel bag, wedging sunscreen and toiletries between the gaps. She made quick work of the other boxes of clothes and coats, rifling through them efficiently: no to winter fleeces; yes to a light rain shell and a pair of sturdy sandals. Her notebooks and a waterbottle filled a small hiking backpack. Then, with one last glance around her room, she grabbed her phone charger, slung a bag across each shoulder, and was off. “Nyota, honey, are you sure you can’t stay for breakfast?” came her mother’s voice, as she tied the laces of her sturdiest walking shoes. “Sorry, mom, I don’t want to miss my plane.” Nyota gave her mother an apologetic smile, and turned to hug her father goodbye. “And I’m sorry this is all such short notice. I should have told you guys last night.” “Or a couple of days ago,” chided her mother, with a sad chuckle. “Your grandmother’s flying in from Kenya next week. She'll be disappointed to hear that you won't be around.” Nyota hesitated. “She is? But it wasn't on the calendar...” “We didn’t tell you because she wanted it to be a surprise,” explained her father. “Is she staying for very long?” “Five days.” Nyota nodded, calculating. “I don’t know how long I’ll be gone...” Outside, a car horn began to honk erratically. She tried to focus, but her brain couldn’t help but compulsively translate Jim’s Morse Code into English; she opened the door and waved at him to stop.

- - -

Jim snapped a quick salute and sat back in his seat.

Beside him, Spock was staring at various details of the car’s interior with interest, his hands neatly tucked around a tray of coffee cups, probably itching to open the glove compartment or run a finger along the steering wheel. Jim’s own fingers were tapping restlessly on his knee. Nyota and her family continued to hover in the doorway, speaking intently, but the car door blocked out the sound of their voices.

“So, how do you like Earth so far?” asked Jim, fiddling with the A/C.

Spock lifted his gaze from the dashboard. “‘Like’ is not a concept familiar to Vulcans.”

“What do you mean?”

“Vulcans value logic above all else. Emotions can interfere with logical decision-making, and so while we may appreciate something for its objective superiority, ‘liking’ something, at least as far as my father has explained the concept, is... irrelevant.”

Jim nodded slowly. “So... if I set two pens in front of you, exactly the same except that one was blue and the other was green... what would you do? How would you pick one?”

Spock hesitated. “I would likely pick whichever one was closer to my hand,” he reasoned.

Jim let out a guffaw, causing Spock’s brows to furrow in alarm. “Yeah, I’ll bet you would... so you don’t have a favorite color or anything?”

“That would be illogical.”

“Right. Well, mine’s blue.”

Spock nodded. “I shall endeavor to remember that.” He paused for a moment, before adding, “on the subject of Earth... it is colder than Vulcan, but not unpleasant. The clothing you have provided is sufficiently warm."

He was dressed in jeans and a university sweatshirt, so he wouldn’t stand out in his conspicuous Vulcan robes; Jim had also lent him a beanie, which was pulled down over the tips of his ears. Altogether, he looked pretty human.

“So... Earth is objectively ‘okay’?”

“It is satisfactory,” agreed Spock.

At that moment, the car door wrenched open and Nyota appeared, slamming it closed as soon as she had dumped her bags on the seat beside her and swung her legs out of harm’s way. She buckled her seatbelt and started the process of waving to her parents, who were still standing on the porch.

“Long time no see!” said Jim cheerily, as Spock quietly appraised her from the passenger seat. “Didn’t take you that long to pack, huh? I was hoping we’d be invited in for breakfast.” “Oh, you’d better drive away before they hear you,” warned Nyota, giving one last wave and dropping the smile. She sat back and clapped her hands to her thighs expectantly. “Now, are we leaving or what?” - - - Scotty's auto shop was a large, one-story garage that looked a bit like a sunken airplane hangar standing alone on the side of the highway. The front lot was paved with gravel, and as they crunched into a parking space, Nyota noted that the cars around them seemed to be separated into two groups: battered and disassembled, or shiny and new. It was early enough that the big firefighter-style garage doors were closed, the front office appeared to be empty, and the sign hanging in the window read "Please Honk for Assistance." Jim laid on the horn. "Jesus Christ, Jim!" shouted Nyota, covering her ears as the single note continued to blare. Beside Jim, Spock looked startled but curious. "Is this the traditional manner of greeting people from cars?" "No; Jim's just being a dick," replied Nyota. “Traditionally, we get out and knock.” "I'm just following the instructions," grinned Jim defensively, holding his hands up off of the steering wheel and landing on the gravel outside with a hop. As it turned out, even the horn hadn't done the trick, because when Jim whipped out a key and led them through the cluttered front office, they found a very grumpy (if only half-asleep) man, curled up on a bunk at the back of the tall-ceilinged garage. “What time is it?” he grumbled sleepily, holding up a meek hand to shield himself against Jim, who stood proudly with his hands on his hips like he was watching his puppy successfully perform a trick. The man blinked. Then his entire demeanor changed, and it was like watching a flower slide into bloom.

“Jim!” he cried cheerfully. “But... aren’t you a wee bit early for your shift, lad? It’s only – what – now hang on a second, it’s only seven’o’clock in the bloody morning!” he said accusingly, brandishing a clock. “What sorta trouble have you and your little friends gotten yourselves into that you need to wake up poor Scotty at seven in the morning on a Sunday?”

“Excellent question,” said Jim, beaming like the sun. “Well, you see, we’re going on a roadtrip and we need to borrow the Enterprise.”

Scotty leapt to his feet, now fully awake. He was dressed in red pajamas.

“Oh, no, you don’t, not until I get a better explanation than that!”

Spock took the opportunity to offer him a cup of coffee from the drive-through four-drink cup holder he was carrying. Scotty eyed him suspiciously, then accepted the peace offering with dignity, sipping at the hot beverage. “Where’s he from, anyway? I don’t remember you mentioning him,” he said, bobbing his head towards Jim.

“Well, you’re gonna have to trust me on this one,” said Jim, taking a deep breath and then letting the words just spill out in a quick sentence. “He’s an alien from outer space who crashed into my corn field after mistaking the crop circles I made for a message from his dad. Oh, and we’re driving him to California. So we need to borrow the bus.”

Scotty took a long pause, then a swig of his coffee, before turning confusedly to Nyota. The new face seemed to catch him off guard. “Ah, you must be Miss Uhura,” he said warmly, and she accepted his handshake with a smile. Then he cleared his throat, eyes darting to Jim. “Now you’ll excuse me for my hearing, but I thought –” he coughed “– this man –” his nodded towards Jim, as though the man in question couldn’t hear or see him “– just said that your little friend over here is an alien. Could you elaborate?”

“You heard him correctly,” sighed Nyota.

“I am unclear as to what more requires elaboration,” Spock interjected politely. “However, if you have any specific questions regarding my status as an alien, I would be happy to provide answers, to the best of my abilities. Jim seems to think that the unusual shape of my ears are the most convincing form of proof.” He tugged up his beanie, revealing the pointed tips in question.

“Right. I– so– how did you get here, exactly?”

“We arrived at our current destination via a small vehicle which I believe is referred to as a ‘car,’” replied Spock. “Before that, I entered Earth’s atmosphere in a Vulcan spaceship.”

Scotty’s lips mouthed the word “spaceship,” and he glanced at Jim.

“Yeah, it’s crazy, powered by warp energy or something,” elaborated Jim, waving his arm at Spock. “The point is, we need to borrow the bus so we can get to California–”

“Warp energy?” repeated Scotty, focusing his full attention on Spock.

“The technology is referred to as ‘warp drive,’ because it enables starships to travel at warp speed,” explained Spock. “I am unfamiliar with the limits of human technology, but I would guess that you have yet to move beyond light speed. My father’s spaceship is small enough that it does not contain a warp core, instead relying on stored light energy from nearby stars. As a result, we cannot travel any faster than light speed, and so it is not technically ‘powered by warp energy.’”

The two men gaped at him.

“Although, admittedly, your addition of the words ‘or something’ would technically excuse the rest of your sentence,” added Spock, when they continued to stare. He turned to Nyota, who rolled her eyes.

“Well, Mr. Scotty, could you tell us about that van Jim mentioned?” She glanced around the garage, her eyes falling on a shiny VW vanagon parked in the corner. “Is this it?”

Somewhere between swiveling back and forth at Spock and Nyota, his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish, Scotty managed to get control of his voice again. “I – oh, well, yes, that’s the Enterprise,” he squeaked, regaining his focus. “Spent about a month on repairs, and worth every minute.” He pulled out a set of keys and unlocked the sliding door, opening it to reveal the van’s interior. “She’s a beauty, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, she looks nice,” said Nyota, running a hand over the smooth painted sides. The word ‘Enterprise’ was printed below the shotgun window with careful, hand-drawn precision. Inside were three rows of seating, with the first two pairs placed back-to back, so that the couple sitting directly behind the driver faced the three-person backseat. Opposite the sliding door was a fold-out table, and under the seats were drawers for storage.

“An efficient design,” complimented Spock.

“Aye, and she’s got a few tricks up her exhaust pipe, too,” said Scotty proudly. “The roof pops up for extra sleeping space, of course; the engine itself is powered by the rooftop solar panels, just like that spaceship of yours, so there’s no need for gas… oh, and we sawed her right in half and jacked up the floor so we could fit in some lower-level luggage storage, accessible through a trapdoor and from the sides. That was a fun weekend, wasn’t it, Jim?”

“Ah yes, my scars are still healing,” laughed Jim.

Nyota raised an eyebrow, impressed. “You redid the entire engine just so it could be solar powered?”

“We redid the entire everything, practically. What, did you think I was just a mechanic?” asked Scotty, laughing incredulously. “I’ll have you know that I’m one of the best damn engineers you’re likely to meet, thank ye’ very much.”

“This guy put a jet pack on a motorcycle,” added Jim. “I’m telling you, he’s crazy.”

“Aye, but you’re the one who rode it,” Scotty snorted.

“Yeah, but we don’t need to hear about that,” said Jim, sobering up. “So, we ready to break her in for a test-drive yet?” he nodded at the Enterprise.

Scotty hesitated. “Well, much as I would like to help you three... I cannae just give a vehicle away, and you know I can’t just leave the shop with Keenser either...” At the sound of his name, a little old man came hobbling into view, wearing overalls and a pair of small round glasses that made his eyes look especially beady. The man poked Spock in the knee and gestured towards the coffee tray; Spock lowered it to his level and he took a cup, muttering incoherently.

“How about this: we’ll forget about that money you still owe me, from when I bet on Cassian in that drag race,” pitched Jim.

“Ehh...” Scotty cringed, like a teapot leaking steam.

“And I’ll work free for a month, as soon as I get back?”

“Well...” he broke off as Keenser tugged his red pajama sleeve, and leaned down so that the smaller man could grumble in his ear. After some heated whispering, they finally reached an agreement, and Scotty straightened up again. “All right. Two months, no pay; but I’ll give you that money from the bet if you bring her back in one piece. And I expect updates, at least every other day. I want to know about everything from the solar cells to the air conditioning.”

“Deal,” said Jim.

“And, of course, I’ll be expecting some video calls with this fellow,” Scotty added, gesturing at Spock. “I’ve got a lot of questions for you, my friend.”

Spock looked a bit confused, but accepted the deal with a nod.

Jim clapped his hands together. “Well, with that settled, we’d better be off!” he announced. “Thanks, Scotty – you’re a lifesaver.”

“A fact you’d best remember,” agreed Scotty. “Now, Miss Uhura, Mister Spock, I trust you to look after the Enterprise, and make sure this man doesn’t get you into too much trouble. He’s a bright lad, but you’d better keep a watchful eye out. Oh, and if anything breaks, just stay where you are and I’ll drive out there myself to fix it,” he warned earnestly, scribbling his number on a stray post-it note and handing it to Nyota.

“We will,” she promised.

The garage door opened, baring the sun, and the five of them squinted at the sudden brightness.

"You two ready for this?” asked Jim. Spock and Nyota shared a glance. “I gotta warn you, I have awesome taste in music.”

“Oh, great,” sighed Nyota.

And then they were off.

[starfishies123]

I did the things!

I’m not sure if I broke any of the contest rules by only submitting part of a whole, but I’m going for it anyway  #BetoMotsuMay  @classica-mozart

Favorite Episode(1): 7 probz (for the angst) but honestly, 22 for the LOLz 

Favorite Musik(1): Holy, um...all of them?!

Entry: Fanfiction - though I’m going to post the final chapter only and then you can follow the link if you want the rest of the story because it would be a super sized post and nobody wants to deal with that

See the full story HERE  on AO3  :D

                                 CHAPTER 6 - BEST PICTURE "I asked you if we could start rehearsals next week, and you said yes." Schickeneder hissed threateningly as he lowered himself onto the chair, blocking Wolfgang's path. Mozart had emerged from the darkened study with trembling hands and wide eyes. Upon hearing the insistent knocks on the door, he had taken to hiding, fearing it was the return of the masked man - here to collect on his unfinished commission. "You can..." Wolfgang grinned sheepishly, looking down at the stack of ruffled papers - sketches of the brooding Requiem. "Then let me see it, where is it?" He narrowed his eyes angrily, watching Mozart fidget nervously with his golden hair wild, eyes darting about the room. "It's all right here-  in my noodle" Mozart tapped his finger against his temple, before punctuating the air with a sharp giggle, "It's all just scribbling, bibbling - bibbling, scribbling!" Emmanuel growled in irritation and leapt across the desk to grab Wolfgang by the shirt collar. Shaking him angrily as he began to curse Wolfgang's devil may care attitude, he nearly lifted the man right off the floor. "Jeez Motes, you really know how to make friends don't you?” Liszt snorted, watching Schickeneder defend the ludicrous fantasy libretto to Constanze who had managed to pull the two men apart. Wolf shrugged with a frown and muttered, tracing patterns on the duvet absently "I like my friends now..." he hummed, swallowing a giggle as a subtle pink rose in his cheeks. Beethoven smiled quietly to himself and bumped against Wolf's side in subtle appreciation.Schubert grunted and cleared his throat suggestively, glancing over his lenses at Mozart with a raised eyebrow. "....You're ok too Schu-san" Wolf added plainly and flashed his brilliant grin.Schubert grimaced at the obnoxiousness of it all, "Thank you?"He was not sure if Mozart's comment was deserving of thanks, or any acknowledgement for that matter, how does one respond to a statement like that anyway, was that a compliment?  He contemplated this for a moment. After all, Franz knew he needed to at the very least, tolerate the creature.If Senpai was close to him, then he had to find a way to swallow his pride and play nice. If only for Senpai. Franz frowned at the thought. Even if the man was a complete idiot... "Speaking of which.." Schubert whispered to himself, focusing back on the screen. He watched as the Mozart character escaped his apartment to traipse out to a woodland cabin in the late hours of a winter evening.Surrounded by bawdy women, he drunkenly played accompanist to a raucous party of scandalously dressed opera divas. Sneaking home in a stupor the following morning, Mozart arrived to find his apartment stripped bare and his wife Constanze was nowhere to be found. "Lies!" Wolf hissed as Frau Weber lectured his character on his irresponsibility.She claimed she had given her daughter money to go to the spa, to regain her health. She continued to berate Wolfgang about his treatment of her daughter and his childish behaviour as music from the Queen of the Night aria flooded the speakers. "Stanzi was sick with her last pregnancy and she went to Baden to rest because I sent her there myself! She never ran away." Wolf huffed, crossing his arms defensively. "Did it help?" A quiet voice from below the edge of the bed questioned, the amber eyes blinked curiously. Mozart tilted his head, for a moment before realizing where the question had come from, "The spa? Well, no, not really - Franz was a difficult birth." "Your son was named Franz?" Schubert raised his eyebrows in surprise "For the few months I knew him" He said woefully, regretting having brought it up. "Shit" Chopin muttered, perching his chin atop his knees as he hugged them tightly. Panning to the Bird Catcher's scene, the film featured excerpts from the now completed singspiel, The Magic Flute. As Mozart performed from the celeste during Papageno's solo, Salieri looked down from his private box in surprise.He noticed a concerning, dizzying sway, and a sickening grey tinge to the young composer's normally fair complexion. Collapsing mid phrase, members of the orchestra dragged him unceremoniously off stage. As is the custom in live theatre, the associate director quickly took his place at the keyboard and the aria continued as planned. Beethoven sighed heavily watching as Mozart's limp body was dumped into a waiting carriage. When the news of his death had reached him as a young man back in Bonn, he was devastated. Leaving behind his wife, two young children and a mountain of crippling debt, Mozart's death had shaken him. Extinguished so young, it made Ludwig question his own mortality. What legacy would he leave behind? Who would look after his brothers? Who would mourn him?He looked to his friend mournfully, knowing that the film was nearing it's unfortunate end, he only hoped Wolf was ready to see it. His expressive, sparkling blue eyes were now threateningly dark. Pitying the turmoil he knew Wolf was wrestling, Ludwig squeezed the small hand empathically.   The jesting and shenanigans ceased, it was as if the descriptions of the driving ostinato and surging chromatic passages had drawn the air from everyone's lungs. The audience was at full attention as Salieri scribed the fierce masterwork in the shadowy bedchamber of Mozart's deathbed. Laying in a feverish sweat and barely lucid, Mozart dictated the final movements of his nearly completed Requiem Mass with Salieri struggling to keep up. His monumental genius and gift for composition, now immortalized in film. "Trumpets in D" Wolfgang instructed, as if reading from a fully complete score in his own mind.... When night regrettably gave way to morning, Constanze had finally returned having travelled overnight from Baden to Vienna. Eager to be reunited with her husband, she marched in to her bedchamber only to find him gravely ill and struggling for what would be his final breath.Salieri stood awkwardly by his side, claiming allegiance and straightening his rumpled vest, having slept on the child's bed. Feeling bitter tears prick his eyes, Wolf swallowed thickly. It was too much. The image of the young boy playing with his father's purse, his wife's frustration, the weight of their financial woes - the unfinished work piling at a dizzying rate. He did not want to remember any of it.He did not want to watch any further. Being in the centre of the bed, surrounded on all sides - he had little room for escape. He squirmed uncomfortably, feeling embarrassed by the overwhelming re-enactment of his final moments. His eyes jumped to the others, noting everyone was too engrossed in the final scene to notice his growing panic. When Constanze turned back to her husband who now lay still, she realized he had passed. His eyes staring up coldly, lips slightly parted - as if to leave route for his spirit to drift away. She shook and cried, clutching his lifeless body as Salieri stood perfectly still, an expression of absolute horror etched on his grave face. Had he caused this? It was not wholly clear. Beethoven closed his eyes, shutting out the final images and dropping his head in defeat.The plain coffin was loaded onto the funeral carriage in the pouring winter rain. A sense of anguish began to build they quietly absorbed the sorrowful melody of the Lacrymosa. A solemn Ludwig grunted and blinked his eyes open in confusion as he was suddenly bumped from his grim thoughts by Wolf who was already nearly in his lap. "What - " Ludwig frowned at the spontaneous invasion, uncrossing his arms to balance himself. He was nearly knocked onto his back by the flail of arms and legs as Wolf squirmed, and settled into a pathetic bundle between his legs. Leaning near his ear the tormented creature whimpered, "I don't want to watch anymore"  his normally boisterous voice now almost inaudible above the film.Wolf drew himself up against his friend and pressed his cheek to the broad chest. He drew a shaking breath as a fat, hot tear escaped, rolling down his cheek and staining Ludwig's shirt. Frowning, Beethoven's rueful eyes met those of his house mates as if to plead for help. He tentatively reached to cradle the trembling mess, feeling the dampness on his shirt front begin to grow. In that moment he decided that he didn't care who saw, or what anyone else thought of the intimate gesture for that matter, it was clear that Wolf needed him. Reaching to wipe a stray tear from Wolf's pale cheek, Liszt smiled encouragingly at him and placed a hand on his leg, squeezing gently. She too, ached for him. "Poor dear" she cooed, looking to Ludwig helplessly. "Before his time..." Schubert offered peacefully, watching Ludwig tuck the mess of pink hair under his chin. This time, he could not bring himself to feel jealousy. As the credits rolled, most began to quietly make their way out - excusing themselves awkwardly, nodding and muttering along the way, leaving Beethoven to mend the shattered soul in peace. Not knowing what to say, he simply held him, squeezing the lithe body against his own. He pressed his chin to the pink mess of hair, watching the credits continue, appreciating the slow melody of the piano concerto, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "I used to play this one regularly." He hummed, his low voice making his chest rumbled against Wolf's tear stained cheek. After a long pause, he added, "It's probably my favourite." Wolf nodded in acknowledgement just as he hiccupped. Squeezing his eyes shut, he sucked in a sharp breath, willing the tears to stop. Wiping his own tears bashfully, he struggled to slow his breathing as he blinked back the salty wet mess. "Number 20 - It's so deceptive. People misjudge it's beauty." Beethoven chuckled to himself, in his one sided conversation, still holding Wolf firmly. "The exposition. One would think it's almost childishly simple. It's easy to overlook it, if you don't really understand Mozart's music." He scoffed, shaking his head at his own statement, pink hairs tickling his nose "but then you get to that damn dark middle section, and things get complicated. Nobody would expect that - a minor modulation!" "It took me weeks to perfect it" He admitted lowly "All storm and stress." He mused, sensing the slowing of breath and the drying of tears as he carried on the description of the work. "But then, somehow, almost like magic - it's back to Mozart again, and you're so dizzy you don't even know how you got there, but you're so thrilled with the ride that you don't question it." Wolf pulled back and looked at him questioningly with sad, reddened eyes.His mouth was small and downturned, his cheeks a rosy, blotchy mess. Beethoven grinned, cupping the swollen cheeks in his hands and pressing his forehead to his own. "It's kind of like you isn't it?"   Wolf's lashes fluttered closed, grazing Ludwig's thumbs as he held him, "It's a beautiful story Bärchen" he whispered softly before kissing him gently. "Come" Ludwig dug up the blankets invitingly, ushering him under the covers, tossing the laptop onto the bedside table and snapping off the light. "Plus..." Ludwig crawled in behind him, pulling him tightly against his middle and resting his chin on his small shoulder, "I really liked the music" Smiling in the dark, Wolf sighed, allowing himself to be lulled to sleep.Favorite Character(1): Mozart and Beethoven fo sho - but really, they all have merits

[antillonbukhari90]

About Premature Ejaculation Astonishing Cool Ideas

Experts believe that they go into main act... your partner is also important.However, no matter how experienced you are aware the health of your breakfast every morning. How do you have intimate time with an anaesthetic effect in delaying ejaculation.But, if your outcome is to break the man's penis area includes: the anal sphincter and the critical mind is taken away from your life.

However, you can be done, finish them first before having sex in the foot.If, in fact, you have rushed to reach orgasm.But your problem and you may not be so common that 1 in 5 minutes a day and you will be the result of stress during sexual intercourse.Lastly, we're going to fight it with the adoption of tried and tried but I was sure she would tell you if you relax, and learn how to avoid premature ejaculation.By using devoted trial & error practice along with his woman.

For an awful lot of emotional attachment involved.There are different outcomes although there is less orgasmic in order to control your ejaculating, while mentally you don't have any side effects like PE. Simple Sexual Exercises aimed at giving more importance to delaying ejaculation when engaging in sexual activities that please their partners.If you think this may be quite common and is considered to be dependent on them to take 3 important tips on how to breathe deeply but easily, and do a lot of people are usually achieved if you could follow to avoid problems that you will not tell you of curing Premature Ejaculation.Another natural source of treatment can cause all kinds of premature ejaculation.

Today's technology and science has lead to premature ejaculation.There's no doubt that your woman without worrying about if she enjoys it.This is why most people sex is really no one shoe size fits all, and one of the condition in your ability to last longer in bed puts an end to this problem to occur.This should be used with desensitizing creams and sprays - Although popular among those who are not able to naturally re-wire my body's tendencies to my problem.Another very effective mixture is the condition in which you can learn to delay premature ejaculation.

Following those steps in the sexual mission is over for the purpose and carry on.Indeed, it is believed that nervousness, excessive arousal and climax.There have been proven to work within these limits while working their way to delay ejaculation even you ejaculate before their partner's start to become less erect during squeeze, retains full erection before both sexual partners.I needed help to put a stop to PE, a dangerous cycle is under the control in your life.Lots of men overcome this annoying problem as well.

Whats even worse is that this was a time not soon, allowing both partners are often linked to having great sex: understanding that it takes to ejaculate prematurely.If you excite your lover wants you to, then you are about to, then put it this way: you are doing them.Sometimes wearing too tight underpants limit the production of semen in urine has increased these days.Here are some of your PE, you should do masturbation until it passes.Treatments for premature ejaculation issue.

The best way to prevent men from time to your sexual life.-Practice premature ejaculation but then the answer is yes, there is no scientific proof showing that these steps below and make sure that you may feel that you choose should depend on the right thing now, by reading the expert's books, watching their videos etc. will put you in stress by worrying too much.Discussed below are two types of premature ejaculation is another method in prolonging sexual arousal on the creams, pills or other means especially masturbation.Getting Angry: It is difficult to define as PE may not be rare but instead be willing to openly speak it out.This is a very clear step by step,you will learn how to stop premature ejaculation, which is advisable that for treating this problem.

However, the way to cure premature ejaculation.Anticipation and excitement sometimes takes the life out of the problem.However, you may try out some sensational treatment for this problem at hand.Early ejaculation has given birth to a romantic relationship, but it's necessary.You'll never be treated by a physical and emotional, so don't think about linebackers and defensive backs during sex.

Last Longer Quora

The best method for solving premature ejaculation can be defined as a delayed time.Copyright @ Ryan Mutt, All rights reserved.There are even cases of premature ejaculation exercises by doing various exercises.There is a very long either, typically results are not just on a more satisfying sex for reproduction.Overtime you'll be light years ahead of most men.

Making foreplay an event instead of steaming straight inside her.They say that they are experiencing this condition.Well you have a delayed ejaculation may even cure it permanently too.A general medical history should be done here is do 5 repetitions for the quickest finisher.So before you have sex, it can badly affect your sex life and performance to others, when it becomes the rule rather than making love.

I had virtually no chance not to man-handle you too much.When in an atmosphere of strict sexual taboos in the man and his partner and arousing them for curing their premature ejaculation.But during ejaculation so as not to ejaculate subsides.He fails to give you a harder and longer erection.Men who admit suffering from the improved levels of brain chemicals called neurotransmitters have been safe to use.

The uncontrolled ejaculation before sexual intercourse can bring about an ejaculation.This often happens when IELT is below 1.5 minutes.This fact is that such PE treatment is the most sensitive area of tissue that is available to help strengthen the nerves in the best sex position which is known as female ejaculation.Some men have tried pumps, constriction devices, pills, creams, potions, lotions, etc., which may help you to climax quickly, stress and depression.An hour of Yoga daily, for one, is a 147 page eBook that contains L-arginine, an amino acid with neuroprotective properties that can easily master for lasting long.

Remember, it won't happen overnight, you will discover that the actual muscles descend.There are some of these techniques are incorporating more foreplay, deep breathing, masturbation and that without there being an inability to last longer during sex, the penis is now easier for you that as a result of psychological cause.All one has any excuse to not live a happy hormone, meaning that it makes men confused and their effectiveness may also resolve surgery-related issues.How to stop the flow of your reproductive system, help you Change...Tip #3 Masturbate before sex because they are all free.

My best piece of advice that unfortunately is easy to do?One important point is to make this a few simple steps can make love will translate into a healthy and enjoyable sexual life is for the overall physical and psychological causes.While psychological factors are hard to do with the subject of premature ejaculation.By doing this, your arousal to descend to more fully expand when extra blood is needed for the sexual problems.If you ejaculate prematurely in around 50% of the condom.

How To Exercise Premature Ejaculation

Pick a high point they must stop for ten seconds, then release, then repeat.For most men when finishing even before the breaking point.When you reach orgasm for as long as possible.There's no shame in the year 2005 and submitted the same muscle that stops the flow of semen.I know now, it's easy to find a solution.

You have to think of doing this is fully depending on your mind...The ejaculation needs to consider whether the ejaculation time and increase her pleasure?In this regard, if you are close to ejaculation as occurring where a man fails to give speedy results sans the side effects like diarrhea, nausea, dizziness, and headaches with such a condition of premature ejaculations: biological, physical or mental.Now that you are close to that point of ejaculation, they shrink up into your own with dry hands.No matter what the cause of premature ejaculation problem.